Do you often regret saying yes to meetings, engagements and tasks? Things that. if you had the courage to just say no would’ve saved you lots of stress.
You’re not alone!
In his book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown shares the story of a Silicon Valley executive who found himself stretched across too many work engagements.
Keen on giving his best and making his mark in the company, Sam Elliot accepted so many projects, meeting invitations and, of course, lots of conference calls that were better off as emails.
Understandably, he spent much of his days hopping from one business meeting to another, including those, he later discovered, never required his presence.
After meetings like these, Elliot could not concentrate on real work. He felt more stressed and less productive.
Noticing a gradual drop in his performance, the company approached him with an early retirement package.
But Elliot was only fifty-something. He felt he still had more to offer before bowing out.
He mulled leaving full employment and instead, offer his services to his current employer as a consultant.
But as he figured, even that won’t lower the stress.
A mentor advised he remains with the company but focus his time and energy only on what he would do as a consultant.
The rest can go!
His mentor told him not to over-justify his decisions to anyone. “Just stick to your role and turn down every other thing,” he advised.
Being the people-pleaser that he was, Elliot had a sordid feeling about this. But he did as he was told, anyway. He started saying no more often.
At first, he would analyze requests based on his calendar and if it doesn’t fit, he would turn it down.
To his surprise, he realised that although people were initially disappointed at being turned down; they respected his candidness. Emboldened, he started saying no to more and invitations that didn’t fit his goals and calendar.
As he continued, his colleagues noticed his aversion to taking on the excess burden and they respected him the more for it.
Before that time, he would volunteer for everything from presentations to last-minute projects. Now, he stepped back to allow others to leap.
He also screened Conference calls out of his routine. He passed on any meetings in which he cannot directly contribute. This new decision improved the quality of his work and life.
With less to do, he regained quality time with his family and had more time to think and find better ways to move the needle.
Because this improved his overall performance, Elliot became more respected for his work and received a commensurate increase in bonuses and rewards.
*****
The world is littered with Elliots!
In a society that ranks people’s importance based on how busy or sought-after they are, saying no to opportunities sounds like the start of madness.
When you begin your career, saying yes to every opportunity and assignment feels like a reasonable thing to do. As a newbie, it is appropriate to explore; scatter your bread upon many waters and have a taste of several worlds.
This is the phase where you must imitate others before your uniqueness bubbles to the surface. Important as it is, however, this phase has its validity period.
When you overstay your welcome here, you will experience the inevitable law of diminishing returns. When you keep exploring instead of tuning out excess work and deepening your roots in a certain area, you shortchange yourself and your career.
In the beginning, you gain experience by saying yes to a lot of requests. But you only get ahead in your field by saying no to a lot of requests and opportunities.
But saying no is not as easy as it sounds.
As a human, you’re both blessed and plagued with the innate desire to get along with other people. In your office, you want to be perceived as that reliable employee who can pick up tasks at the last minute and still deliver at an elite level.
You know you’re stressed out and need to refuel but you take on another project for the weekend. You agree to deliver on an assignment by Wednesday, even though you have another essential deadline that same day.
It’s a vicious pattern leading nowhere. Unless you learn to say no with the highest maturity of attitude and language, you will keep being at the mercy of your calendar.
But this is a psychological journey.
To say no without guilt, you must come to that point where respect means more to you than popularity.
If saying no is hard, there are better ways to say it without using the actual word.
So as a career person, freelance or project manager, Greg McKeown suggests five tips to help you.
1. “I’ll check my calendar and revert”
This remains my most effective tool. Sometimes, we are hesitant to say no. We want to consider our options and gauge what and who we’re saying no to.
Asking for more time gives you that window to think and decide. But saying “I need more time” is not the way to do it.
There needs to be something that speaks, “my schedule is not all up to me now. I’m working from with a calendar. Can I check it and get back to you?”
People are more likely to respect this one. It’ll give you the time to pause and reflect rather than being rustled into a yes.
2. “No, but…”
When you feel bad for turning people down, this technique takes away the guilt. You are not just turning down a request and leaving it there. You are also offering an alternative.
If, for instance, you are in the middle of an epochal project and you get invited for another of those meetings that should be an email, you can reply with “I am engrossed with delivering on xyz project at the moment. But I would love to get a report or minute of the meeting once it is ready. Let me know if this s possible.”
Emails make it easy to say no because of the distance in between. But if you have to say it in person, I suggest you do so early to remove needless suspense.
3. “I cannot do it now…but I know someone who will do it as well as I would.”
This is a corollary to the second point. You are not only turning it down but you’re also offering them an option. If takes away the guilt of an outright No too.
4. Silence
I don’t mean ghosting. Ghosting is selfish, cowardly and immature.
The silence I’m talking about here works best during in-person conversations.
It’s not an indefinite silence either. You are simply pausing to think or, sometimes, allow the other person to fill up the void.
When next you get a request you’re not predisposed to deliver upon, just pause for a moment as though lost in deep thought. If the other person is sensitive, they’ll chip in something that exonerates you from saying no.
5. Use Autoresponders
Autoresponders are a common staple for professionals who won’t be available for a certain period. They often set these on vacations, on annual leaves or when they are out of the city.
In my opinion, this is the most comfortable way to turn down excess requests.
It means, “I would have replied to your email or said yes if I were available. But I can’t even read it for the time being.”
Who said holidays are the only times to use autoresponders? Rather than getting backlashed for your temporal absence, people will respect it.
Here’s the balance. Saying no is only a means to an end. Don’t use the word for its sake.
You say no to the peripheral majority so you can say yes to the vital few. The goal, therefore, is to learn to tell one from the other.
This is important because you only have 24 hours like everyone else. And if you spend it on low-priority endeavours, then you’re shortchanging yourself and your ability to be useful to the rest of the world.
In a world reeking with burnout and astronomical stress levels, saying no is a survival skill. More so, it’s a form of personal leadership and self-defence.
Now, you are not saying no to the person. You are only turn down the task. Most people will be disappointed. Some will be angry. But after the bad vibes comes respect.
As with most skills, you don’t get off doing well with saying no. You learn and adapt through repetition. The more you use it, the better you become. The word becomes your attitude.
